Thursday, December 29, 2016
Don't ask if I am ok. Because I will lie and say, "Oh sure. Fine" and I am not.
I am not ok. I am heart-broken. I am sad. Sometimes I am angry and sometimes just reflective. But please don't ask. Then I have to think of what to say... and you think "no, you don't". But I do. I do have to think of something to say whether it is to ease the discomfort you feel when asking, or the discomfort you feel, because you think you should ask because it's polite. Or I have to think of something to say because if I don't, you may think I'm ok and I am not.
It comes in waves, the grief. Sometimes just small ones that wash onto my feet, and it is easy enough to walk away and wait for it to recede. Other times, the grief washes completely over me. But I feel it coming so I can brace myself. And then there are the times that the wave hits me full force just as I turn. It knocks me off my feet and tumbles me through it's tumultuous current over and over until I am able to pull myself back to the safety of the shore gasping for air and praying for it to just go away.
Everything reminds me. There is joy in the memories and then sorrow when the void sears through my soul reminding me it is there. It will always be there, the void. I know there will be days that it will remain deep, not to be felt so strongly. But those days are not here yet. The void. which when spoken, sounds just as dark as it's actuality, a giant, gaping hole with very raw edges. It will remain with me, unwanted, but becoming part of who I am.
Today I am immersed in a day of reflection, on the verge of tears and just raw. I woke up today with the full intention of going to a movie with my family, But when it came to it, I could not handle the idea of being around people. Or sitting still that long. If I am still, I am thinking. At home I can get up and do something to run away from the wave of grief coming over me. I am not ok. But I will be.
Our family is not ok. But we will be. There are no words, and that is ok.
Today I reflect and remember. That is ok. And if it's ok with you, I ask that if I don't answer the phone, or call you back, or "don't show up", that you don't take offense. I am trying to find my way through the valley.